Please date your spec..

And stop trying to change me!

I was on my own when my friend texted me and we started talking.. I was enjoying the conversation until she told me her boyfriend had said I’m “his spec.” And she was laughing. The annoying part is she was laughing like it was cute, like it was nothing. But I didn’t find it funny at all. Not even a little. What made it worse was that she didn’t see anything wrong with it either. She just kept repeating it like it was a compliment.

And I was sitting there thinking… no, this is actually weird.

Because what do you mean my friend is your spec, but you’re dating me? And why am I even being inserted into a conversation I didn’t ask for?

For context, this isn’t even the first time he’s been saying things like that. He has a habit of making comments that somehow always circle back to other people. My friend is not even the type of girl you would call slim. She has never been. So each time I hear things like that, I just sit there wondering what exactly is going on in his head. I told her I would write about this and she said laughed and said “I should leave talk for VDM”. Maybe I should actually should.. Or am I just overthinking the whole thing? What do I even know?

Anyway. This actually reminded me of something that happened in my first year in the university. Now let me give you people the gist. Sit back and enjoy.
Hellooooo…Are we on a straight lineee?…

So I had a male friend in my first year of university. He was really nice and all. He would always compliment me about how beautiful I was and stuff. He always told me I was a solid 9/10.. To me, 9 was good enough.. He always told me he liked thick babes and how there was something about me. Mind you, I was slim at the time. Not very skinny but I wouldn’t exactly fall in the category of a “thick woman”. At first, I didn’t see it as a problem that he would remind me that I’m the first slim babe he’s talking to. At first, it sounded like a compliment. You know that thing people do where they make you feel… chosen. Like you’ve somehow crossed over into a category you don’t belong to.

It was all fun until one day he sent the contact of a vendor to me and said he wants to get me a weight gain kit. Guyyysss. You can imagine the temerity…I almost started feeling I was actually too slim. I started looking at myself differently. Small things I had never questioned before suddenly felt… questionable. I almost adjusted. I actually almost started seeing myself through his eyes. I found myself asking people,

“Do you think I’m too slim?”

And they would look at me like I had lost my mind. They would say things like,

“You look perfect.”

“I wish I had your body.”

But somehow, that one voice had gotten louder than all of them. And that’s when it hit me. This wasn’t about me.

I was just… not his spec.

So I told him to go to hell. Respectfully!!

---

What’s the point of this story?

There are people who know exactly what they like. Their spec is clear. Defined. Almost scripted.

“Slim girls. Light skin. Tall. Short. Thick. Whatever it is. Dark skin”

They know.

And yet—somehow—they keep choosing people who don’t fit that picture… only to spend the entire time reminding them of it.

Because what they’re really doing is positioning themselves like they’re doing you a favor. Like you’ve been selected out of mercy. Like you should be grateful to even be in the running.

And the worst part?

If you’re not careful, you start adjusting.

Because someone is choosing you—even though you’re not what they “usually go for.”

Like you’re special or different. Like you’ve been chosen.

There is nothing wrong with having a spec.

If you like slim girls, like slim girls.

If you like thick girls, like thick girls.

If you like fitness girls, please—carry your dumbbells and go in peace.

If you want a baddie, date a baddie.

If you want a soft, quiet, church girl, face your front and go there with your full chest.

But what you’re not going to do… is pick someone outside of that—and then spend the entire relationship reminding them of it.

You don’t get to say:

“I like baddies,” and then date a reserved girl and start editing her personality.

You don’t get to say:

“I want a career woman,” and then choose someone who wasn’t even moving in that direction—only to start pressuring her to become something she never claimed to be.

“I like slim girls”—and I’m clearly not.

“I like thick babes”—and I have never been that.

So what exactly are you doing here?

“I’m dark” but you keep yapping about how light skinned women have your heart.

And before anybody thinks this is a “men only” conversation and starts forwarding this to men, girls do it too..

If your spec is old money, go and locate it.

Don’t carry “soft life expectations” and drop it on someone who never advertised that package.

If your spec is politician’s son, please—face your front and go there with confidence.

Because what you’re not going to do…Is meet a calm, financially stable-in-his-own-lane boy and start pressuring him like you picked him up from a billionaire’s waiting room.

You saw him. You assessed him. You liked him.

Why are you now shocked that he is… himself?

Suddenly, you’re irritated.

Because he’s not spending money the way your friend’s boyfriend— who is clearly operating on a very different financial wavelength—is spending on her.
Now you’re comparing. Now you’re hinting.

Now you’re asking questions that are actually complaints in disguise.
“Why are you like this?”
“Other guys do this…”

“You don’t even think about these things.”

But let’s be serious.

When you met him, was he that guy?

Did he pretend to be that guy?

Or did you see exactly who he was—and decide you would upgrade him later?

Stop entering relationships like it’s a renovation project.

Changing behavior. Adjusting personality. Installing new expectations that were never part of the original design.

And when it doesn’t work?

You start resenting the person.

For being exactly who they were from the beginning.

And this is how problems start.

Because the truth is—people don’t stop WANTING what they actually LIKE.

They can try to ignore it.

They can try to “be mature.”

They can try to manage it.

But it doesn’t just disappear.

And if they’re not honest about it from the beginning… it shows up later. In comparison with other people. In resentment. In subtle dissatisfaction. Sometimes even in cheating.

Now don’t get me wrong..There’s nothing wrong with influence. Loving someone can inspire growth. It can stretch you. Challenge you. That’s normal.

But there’s a difference between:

“I like you, and we can grow together,”

and “You’re not what I want, but I’ll manage you until you become it.”

One is love. The other is tolerance.

And people can feel the difference. Even if they can’t explain it immediately.

Because insecurity can come up from being with someone who treats you like an exception instead of a choice.

You start shrinking. You start second-guessing or performing. You try to become more acceptable, more aligned, more… worthy.

Meanwhile, the truth is painfully simple:

You were never the problem. You were just not their spec. And instead of being honest about that, they chose you—and then punished you for it.

If you like something, go where that thing is. It’s not complicated.

But what you’re not going to do is stand in front of someone, hold their hand, call it love— and then spend the entire time reminding them that if life had gone according to your “spec,” it wouldn’t have been them. That's disrespect.

Date your spec, okay? Simple!

Thank you for readinggg❤️..